fragment 2

writer's block

chores here

chores there

sleep a lot

sleep just a little

have nightmares

have daydreams

think 

think

think.

promotion

responsibilities

credit

anxiety

did I set the alarm

did I count this right

too many cars over six

seven

no, six.

touching him

loving him

sweet whispers

looking up

chest visible

hands on him

hands on me

affection

i'm in love

in love

in love.

no time

creativity

lullabies

puppetry

poetry

wondrous things

marvelous things

hot things

cold things

cold outside

cold inside

I am small

I am fragile

I am cold

I am sleepy

I am yearning

I am 

I am

I am

holding on

holding

hold me

hold me

hold me

I am learning
I am brave
I am singing
I am creating
I am
I am
I am

battery dead.

recharge.

battery dead.

recharge.

battery half.

change battery.

battery not detected.

-lj

9/nov/2018

I Hear He's Come To Take You Home

I hear He's come to take you home
to Heaven up above,
and when you leave this Earthly world
you shall only feel love.

I feel He knows your faith was one
that couldn't be compared,
and knew that you lived your life
on His word being shared.

I know He's come to bring you to
the place where you belong,
and while up there I know you will
be dancing, singing songs...

I hear He's come to take you home,
and though it brings me pain,
I can find peace in knowing
that we will see each other again.

-LJ
05 December 2018

poem 30

"Sometimes when I'm sad, or very very mad,
I sometimes hold your hand, and I work on being glad.
I think of when you hold me, and tell me it's okay,
that I can say and think and feel whatever that I may.
I love you like the sun and the moon, and the day and the night,
and I love you when you're down, until you feel all right."

-lj

oct. 2018

the fear of swimming

When I am sad, I think about his smile,

and I think about how small and safe

I feel in his arms.  I think about his eyes,

and how I lose myself swimming in them,

despite how scared I am of swimming.

Perhaps, every time I look in his eyes,

and swim deep into his soul, I lose

the fear of swimming into the deep ends.

The deepest part of him if where I want

to lose myself. It is where I know I can be me

without any fear or rejection.

It is where I can find myself and seek solace

in his arms, that are always pulling me close to him,

away from the floods of the world around us.

It is where my fears are not ridiculed, and it

is where I can learn to grow and blossom.

If I am scared, he will rescue me from the waters,

and keep me close to him, reminding me that it's okay

to be afraid of swimming.  I will learn once more

to swim confidently, and save myself if I

begin to drown. When I am sad, I think about

how he loves me always and how the feel

of him embracing me makes me feel safe and loved.

I think about his eyes and his smile, and how 

one day I will swim with him forever,

and I will no longer be afraid, and I will grow in his love.

-LJ

3 July 2018
(a ramble poem, but
a free-verse nonetheless,
I suppose)

It Was Gone

At the moment I thought I had it,

it was gone.

At the moment I thought I heard it,

it was silenced.

At the moment I thought I touched it,

it was unfelt. 

It has been nine years.

At the exact moment

I thought I knew it,

I had really learned it.

It has been nine years, now.

At the exact moment

I learned about you,

I had you.

I had you, and

I heard you.

I heard you, and

I felt you.

I felt you, and

I knew you.

At the moment I knew I had you,

you weren't gone, you weren't silenced,

and you weren't unfelt.

You were with me all along.

-LJ

3 July 2018

(bonus phone poem)

he kisses him.

the rain captures him and pulls him under the covers of momentary bliss...

a sort of romantic departure, although bittersweet.

a mind too clouded by dense fogs and intoxicated by the unholy waters,

he becomes hysterical, wondering why he didn't say goodbye,

when he actually said goodnight.

-lj

sometime in april or may 2018

my mom cries ("phone poems" 3 of 3)

my mom cries

the cries of mothers,

and, full of emotion,

screams

how could this happen?

i realize

it's not just us

in our own tiny world.

it's all of us

on this green earth

turned gray.

-lj

21 june 2018

god, be ("phone poems" 2 of 3)

God, be with me.
Be by my side.
Why do I run?
Why do You hide?

God, be present
in every storm,
and in every blessing
that takes form.

God, be beauty.
Be moon and stars,
and sun and clouds,
so near and far.

God, behold,
a prayer comes through,
that one day,
I will know You, too.

-lj
19 June 2018

when all that remains is guilt ("phone poems" 1 of 3)

when all that remains
is guilt,
the bed is not made,
the room is not clean,
and the only reality i know
is that of a dark shadow
holding me like a weight to the floor,
telling me why
i am not worthy of another
why
i am not worth taking care of,
why
i am not worth the right
to this gift called life.

sure, they forgive,
but i never forget,
and i never forgive myself.

-lj
22 may 2018

A Honey Bee

A honey bee
will leave fearlessly
because his life will end
if he must defend himself.
If I were to live
as fearlessly as a honey bee,
no tribulation would be the end of the world.

A honey bee will lose himself
 in every way.
I would lose myself in every fear,
in every thought, in every day.

A honey bee's defenses
 lie attached to his body.
My own significant defenses
 lie attached in nerves never ending.

If he stings me,
 his life
will be torn from him.
If I get stung,
 my life
will be torn from me.

In our own ways,
the sting will end us,
and we won't know
if it was worth the worry.

-LJ
25 April 2018

To The Day

He'd confess his feelings to the day

in which they danced together

in the glory of the sun.

He'd imagine that the clouds took her form,
and the sun took form of her heart,

and together, they'd swing to the music

of the breeze.

One day, he'd tell her of the many dance floors,

the many genres of songs passed down

from weathering sheets of notes played so long ago.
He'd wonder if their dances would live on
in her rays of sun that shined down on him, and
he'd let her rays of sun surround him in love.

-lj

started: 4 february 2018
continued & finished: 10 march 2018

embraced

yesterday, i wondered
if we would hold hands again.

today, we held hands
and, arms wrapped around each other,
eyes closed, hearts beating, ever enchanting,
we shared our first embrace.

tomorrow, i will imagine
being in your arms again.

-lj
10 march 2018

In His Hand

In His hand,
was the sweetest gift
He could have given me
at that exact moment.

Feet, find strength,
as I learn to walk with Him,
to talk with Him, and
be myself with Him, as He willed me.

I will hold His hand,
as long as He shall allow,
and with Him, I will find the peace
I am looking for.

-LJ
7 February 2018

To The Night

She'd confess her feelings to the night,
pretending it was the embodiment
of the one she hoped to call her own.
Curled up into her sheets,
she allowed herself the comfort and security
of imagining his arms around her,
his breath in her hair,
his chuckles escaping the sweetest lips
as she would softly babble in her sleep.
She'd tell him one day, that when she retired,
she'd sleep with the night, nestled in his arms,
with a quilt of a starry sky, embroidered by the moon.
She'd wonder if this, his kindness, his acceptance,
his comfort, this... if this was love.

-lj
29 January 2018

 

If, Like Michael,

If, like Michael,

I ever found myself in need

of something to protect my lungs

from the polluted air around me,

and if, like Michael,

I ever found myself in need

of something to protect my innocence

from the tainted world that surrounds me,

I would, like Michael,

hide away in the only place

that was safe, sound, and clean,

away from the flashing lights and screams,

where only one could say they found me.

If, like Michael,

I ever sought my poems from the Heavens,

I ever sang and danced until I cried,

I ever lived in fear until I died;

I'd seek my solace in the sun and moon and clouds,

I'd climb up in the highest tree,

and ask my God and Michael to sit with me. 

-LJ

25 January 2018

Breathing

It was last night,

when I felt you holding me,

in the way I always loathed.

It was this morning,

when I felt suspended,

without breath, fully cloaked

in your "grace",
heart racing,
head shaking;

 you proclaimed:

"I am 

the one who takes

your life away.

I am 

the one who causes

your thoughts to stray.

If 

I hold you too tightly,

will you

still be with me?

If 

I hold you too tightly,

will you

still be breathing?

If you

 are not breathing,

then who

 is breathing for you?"

-lj

23 January 2018
(italicized/bold text penned by j.m.)

The Red Flags

[TW// depression]

The first red flag,

was that I stopped brushing my hair.

Instead of getting dressed for the day,

I'd get dressed for the night, slither under blankets,

to listen to cold voices in my ears will me

into a bliss I could not feel.

The second red flag,

was that I'd rather stay in bed.

Instead of the readiness to tackle the day,

I'd lay there while time crawled by

as quickly as a snail, knowing

I'd have to get up eventually.

The third red flag,

was that I could not focus. 

Instead of being on top of my game,

I'd ask you to repeat the question,

the direction, the instruction, the story,

and I would feel like I was incapable

of doing my job.

The final red flag

was that I wanted to disappear.

Instead of wanting to shine,

I'd want to play with the thoughts

that filled my head with "maybe things,

maybe things would be better 

if I weren't around."

-LJ

started: 29 November 
continued: 03 December 2017
completed: 1 January 2018

new years resolutions

to be kinder not only to myself,

but to every new friend I make,

to be kinder to those I already know,

and to those I know not as of yet,

to take better care of not only myself,

but to take care of those who seek comfort,

to take better care of my family,

and to help more of those in need,

to know it is okay to be myself,

but to make sure I do not hurt,

to know it is okay to be true to who you are,

and to help others see the same.

-LJ

1 January 2018